Recently, a friend triggered an old pattern. My friend started teasing me about something they offered to help me to achieve. Something, I considered very important to me and my survival. When they only teased me and did not follow through with the help they promised, it stirred up old unresolved trauma.
I come from a family of “teasers.” As my father use to remind me, “If I didn’t love you, darling, I wouldn’t tease you.” And, don’t get the wrong idea because I love humor and goofing around. But, it is good to be aware there is a line that can be crossed when another starts feeling picked on and made sport of. Then, it can become harmful.
I remember when my partner first met my wisecracking family. As usual, everything appeared to be all happy and jovial. But, when we got into the car at the end of the evening, she asked me, “Why does my heart hurt?”
I wanted to tell her I had no idea. Yet, I knew exactly what she meant. Although it appears all lightness and fun, there are little jibs and jabs that go right to the heart. My family has skills.
Although wordhippo.com states teasing typically occurs in a good-natured way, oddly most of the hundreds of synonyms appear derogatory in nature. This leads me to suspect that it is not typically done in a good natured way. The teasing with my friend had gone on for a year and a half. My heart didn’t hurt, like Karen’s the day she met my family. But, my gut started aching with an old familiar feeling. The teasing had crossed a line that was uncomfortable.
When I asked my friend to stop and told them how I was hurt, our connection line went cold. When I reached out, they stated they were only being themselves by teasing me. They also relayed: they were only being themselves. Since, I got hurt, they were hesitant to be around me. Apparently, they decided the only way to stop teasing me about that particular subject was to stop conversing all together. Ouch.
Since the development and the trigger of old family hurt, I did a deep dive on the word “tease.” It was definitely liberating and enlightening. It helped me put some things into perspective.
I miss chatting daily with my friend. The regular chats were a comfort for my loneliness that came with COVID social isolation requirements. But if it was easier to walk away from our connection rather than stop razzing me in that way, what else can a person do? I no longer wish to be taunted in that way and if their banter knows no bounds, it makes perfect sense. I, also, am well aware I am the type of friend worth hanging on to.
Even so, I have learned from the experience and as I always would say to my psychotherapy clients, triggers offer great opportunities for healing and growth. This one certainly was no different.
What about you? What are your thoughts about the word tease? Were there ever times when you felt someone’s jesting crossed a line? What did you do about it? I would love to know.